I'm pretty lucky, I guess, that gender isn't something that I feel confronted by often. I have felt pretty secure in who I am on that side of things, without caring very much about the label. I have been called "ma'am" at drive-through intercoms since I could go to drive-through intercoms and it stopped bothering me a long time ago, and was only a minor annoyance even then.
But something over the past few years has put it on my mind. It's been a quiet simmer in the background of other questions and experiences. It's that I am getting pretty annoyed by the term "man" with regularity. Why? It feels almost archaic, to me. I noticed it more on my visit home this year, and in watching old movies, reading old books. Talking to my mom and hearing about "men" and basically what shits the bad ones can be. Not that any particular label has claim to shittendom.
Maybe I noticed it while watching Rebel Ridge. A fine movie, but one that goes above and beyond to check all of the uber-masculine boxes. A man with a certain set of skills. Steely-eyed. Muscled. Emotionally repressed (somewhat, anyway). Saving a woman - has it ever been done in film!? I liked the movie but was pretty annoyed at how simple that part was.
Those are not traits that I identify with. I'm a social worker, so my 'certain set of skills' are not exactly gunslinging and tobacco-spitting. I hope I am not steely eyed, though I have been told I can look pretty pissed off at times (my bad). I would say I am somewhat emotionally dampened, but not in the sense of it being a chronic condition like traditional masculinity seems to desire. I tell people how I feel, or at least I try.
So what does it mean to be "a man" ? Old custom is breadwinner, provider. Meh. Men have no special claim to that and the men who believe they do are not worth any time at all. I think about my great-grandpa, who was very soft-spoken and rare to speak at that. He was quiet, mostly gentle, and honest. Honesty is a big one for me. The most I will lie is by quiet. But what is special about that as far as gender goes? That's just a basic human value. Isn't it?
So I guess that is part of my problem. I don't know what it means and I don't draw a straight (ha) line from terms like man or masculine to genitalia like some people want to. I guess I just don't care.
For giggles, I typed in "define man" to google:
1. an adult male human being.
"a tall man with a beard entered the restaurant" (hahaha, even Google wants the beard)
So why write this? Part of it is because gay life can be really annoying with stuff like this. Without getting too in the weeds, if you ever step onto an app with even a vaguely ambiguous presentation (and by which I mean, without appearing masculine or feminine in the way that a 1980's comic book might depict them, I guess), you get this question: "You masc?"
This feels like one of those standard questions for hook ups or casual dates or whatever, and in the past has been vaguely annoying. But the most recent time I got it it fairly well just pissed me off. What the fuck does this person care? Who are they? What even are they asking? Does "masc" mean "do you have body hair, a beard?" does it ask the tenor of your voice during sex? Does it ask about your preferences? By which I mean, you know what I mean. I have no idea and would be a lot more forgiving of ANY of these direct questions. What on earth do people seek to learn when they ask this question?
I guess my frustration is coming through. Call it exasperation and make it sound nicer.
Maybe I am up my own ass here. I don't particularly identify with either of these terms, masc or femme. I guess I would say masc-enough? (enough for what?) I don't care, why do you? I get up in the morning and I drink my coffee black. Does that make me a masc manly man? Please. I try to be a kind person. Does that make me femme? Get real.
I'm overreacting to this relatively rote question that I'm not sure happens outside of these apps. Maybe I am sensitive to it right now because I feel distinctly unmoored from either side (ugh) of this continuum, but then again I do not care about these two labels. I use he/him pronouns and feel uncomplicated about that, which is a privilege. I used to be a little annoyed with the grammatics of non-specific pronouns (specifically, neopronouns), but I am glad to have gotten over that. What great pain is it to respect someone's preference?
It does feel a little annoying to me that the only way I know how to relate these things together - grammar, masc-femme continuum (if it has to be, and surely it does not), and the broader sociocultural concept of "man" - is by what amounts to vibes.
Imagine telling someone from my hometown about the "sociocultural concept of 'man.'" Lordy be, what a fun time that would prove.
I have recognized lately that I have shied away from the phrase "a good man" in my writing, particularly in journal entries. I use a good person. Maybe because my immediate association with the term "man" is not terribly positive, maybe because I don't care to relate to the archaic presumption of emotionless, silent, unreactive, and often problematically horny droid.
I don't have any answer to this or resolutions with which to end. It is a frustrating thing and made moreso by my inability to get the importance of it. Maybe my frustration is decidedly a masculine thing (ruh roh), or maybe that I'm writing about it instead of going out on the street and harassing someone is decidedly not. Who knows! Not me.
And here's the counterpoint. I am coming from a place of privilege in that my expression is rarely if ever seriously questioned and I am whining over a very minor thing that sometimes happens on an app. Big whoop. Whereas some people are born to bodies and places that are at odds with how they see and understand themselves, and they must engage on long journeys by which to feel comfortable within themselves. And for many, that means seeking the masculine as they prize and desire it. Valuing it in a way that I am not. The ambivalence that I have about this all is something I am lucky to have. And my great frustration being a little query is something so minor as for me to appear entitled by being annoyed by it. I can only beg their grace and say that I am expressing my frustration from my place while also seeking to empathize with their experience. I hope all of us can simply be comfortable in ourselves.
Other Writing
1/2/25 - Book Review of Fear and Trembling (Kierkegaard, Goodreads, 3/5)
Book Review of On Writing (Hemingway, Goodreads, 3/5)
1/4/25 - Film Review of SE7EN (Letterboxd, 5/5, rewatch)
Book Review of Star Wars: Visions - Ronin (Candon, Goodreads, 2/5)
1/5/25 - Film Review of NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN (Letterboxd, 5/5, rewatch)
1/6/25 - Film Review of HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER’S STONE (Letterboxd, 4/5, rewatch)
Book Review of In Our Time (Hemingway, Goodreads, 4/5)
Book Review of The Sun and Her Flowers (Kaur, Goodreads, 5/5)
1/7/25 - Film Review of NICKEL BOYS (Letterboxd, 4.5/5)
1/8/25 - Book Review of Rejection (Tulathimutte, Goodreads, 4/5)
1/9/25 - Lying in State (reflection, Substack)
Book Review of The Old Man and the Sea (Hemingway, Goodreads, 5/5)
Film Review of THE BRUTALIST (Letterboxd, 5/5)